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Yes, I’m Fat and many other things.

Watching countless hours on YouTube got me thinking. What is my talent? I can’t paint. I can’t draw. I can’t dance. Hell, I can’t even sing! Children half my age are taking the heroic jump to California to pursue their passion for singing or vlogging or acting. And what am I doing? I am diligently following them and vicariously living their dream through my phone and what about MY actual life you might ask? oh well !you see, Since summer started I have gained a considerable amount of fat on my torso and legs. Thank you McDonald’s for your contribution to mankind. That’s one less me at the community pool. My ability to self-loathe is disgusting. HEY! Could that be a talent? Ah! I guess not. If only……then at least I could have been good at something. One look at the mirror and what do I see? Damn girl! Where are your edges? HIBERNATING! Lol, get it? Never mind.  Let me be serious. Let me look in the mirror and I’ll tell you what I really see. Acne. Lots of its. Okay, I’m slightly exaggerating by a bit but I can see the little white beady balls sprinkled all over my uneven forehead. No foundation can fix that amount of acne or those large pores. Sorry, Fenty, not all of us dark sisters can be saved. Okay, Fine. Carrying on. I see ugly. Chubby Cheeks. Broad manly shoulders.A flat smashed-make-me-want-to-laugh nose. Large hooded eyeshadow doesn’t-look-good-on-me eyes. Large irregular breasts sitting on top of a distinct lopsided muffin top paired with plump mushy jelly legs. The perfect summer combination. Let’s get fit. New Years Resolutions. A complete joke.

On any other day, I might have been impressed at how I have managed to be so busy and yet have completed absolutely nothing.NO school. No work. No friends. Excuses? Nope. None. Before you come at me with the body shaming comments let me explain. There is nothing wrong with muffin tops or jiggly thunder thighs if that’s your cup of tea.Yay.Good for you. But for me and my love handles well that’s an entirely different story. You see, it’s not really my new body that bothers me it’s my failure to acknowledge it that bothers me. It’s the gluttonous emotional eating. It’s me not realizing that I am Fat and I have a have a problem with dealing with my emotions. I am Flunking school. I am distancing my family. I have thrown away my friends.No amount of daddy issues can make it okay for me to throw my life on the couch and watch it pass me by. No amount of childhood trauma either can make it okay for me to sit in the dark and wallow in my pain. Maybe I’m being hard on my self but someone should be hard on me and jolt me out of my stupor. Sympathy. disgusting really. Using sympathy and pain as a crutch. and yes I’M FAT. I’M FAILING at everything really. There I said it. I’m sad. Real sad. All the time sad kind of sad. About that talent stuff. Maybe that’s my thing you know being sad. Lately, I’ve been really good at being it. What am I even saying?

I think I might start a YouTube channel. Who am I kidding? What will I even talk about?”Hey Guys, welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today I will be talking about how best to fu*k up your life.Yay.Let’s jump right into it. Don’t forget to like, comment and subscribe”

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I’m Hopeless

“Hey, I’m Laney!”
My heart skips a beat at the possibility of making a friend. One step away from lonely i guess. Except I have the pit sinking feeling in my gut that tells me that this will not work. Somehow my brain cannot see and or comprehend the beautiful smiling girl in front of me. Instead i have that nagging thought that she may just be a serial killer. Yes i know a serial killer. A little extreme right but hey you never know. People surprise you and no not in a good way. Next, you find your guts spilled on the cobbled road in an alley in a gory episode of ‘Dexter’  with your head decapitated and used to decorate the psychos cabinet of ‘Barbie ‘collections. Next,They will all shake their heads in dismay as they read the title to the Dallas Morning News -“Serial Killer Strikes again ” before they quickly move on to the latest scandal on TMZ. Your whole sad medieval life will be reduced to a statistic on page three of  a bored desk duty cops report. Goodbye girl. Your life was an absolute waste. But then again its not like you did anything meaningful besides taking up the valuable resources of the earth by continuing your useless existence. Ah. She was lonely-they will say as the sip their herbal chai tea. “Still, Margaret, she should have seen the signs . I mean come on , how hard is it to spot a serial killer ?”Chloe said as she stirred her tea. “Don’t talk to people. Period. Its the only way to protect yourself from all the scum of the world” Chloe continued. “Look at her . SERIAL KILLER. It makes so much sense.”piped Margaret.
I exhaust myself. Really I do. And yes Margaret I should have seen the bloody signs. I mean how could I not. Long flowy hair. Pink plump lips. Long graceful neck. Yup Margaret. She is definitely a serial killer. I exhaust myself. What the fuck is wrong with me?
“Hi.I’m Lola ” I answer back.
She smiles at me as she takes a drag of her cigarette.
Oh shit. I am totally fucked now. She is beautiful. Gorgeous. I mean wow. Why do i even found her attractive? She’s a girl right. Oh shit. I’m definitely not thinking about this right now. I already have that wretched Margaret screaming in my head. I feel like I’m about to self-destruct. Why would she ever be attracted to me? Last i heard ‘hippie ‘ was not the new ‘cool’. Wait. I’m not even hippie. Haha, I wish.  At least they know who they are and they are not some self-absorbed self-destructive freak. Points for me though. I have lasted this long without ruining all the possibilities of befriending her. Okay Margaret stop with that whining. Oh and Becks do stop all that romance nonsense. Its clouding my head . Its Lola’s time . I can’t think with you mongrels bickering in my head. Its showtime. I need to talk to her.

I almost died today

I almost died today. I won’t lie and say I wasn’t a little disappointed. I felt the cold gusty wind rush past my face as the train whizzed past me at over 120 km per hour and ground to a halt a few miles ahead of me. A missed opportunity. A failed attempt. Another day in this miserable life. Once again, I had to live with the backstabbing coward that I was. I didn’t deserve to live. Why did she have to die?Why did her bones and flesh turn into Sundays leftover lasagna as the twenty-five tonnes of steel crushed her?  I heard it. I heard the crunching crackle as one by one, her bones broke and shattered. Or maybe I didn’t hear anything at all. I cant be too sure anymore. She didn’t cry you know?She couldn’t have!Everything happened so fast.

Should I continue to write this? Tell me your opinions, please

New Years Resolutions

There is a common belief that 95% of New Years Resolutions are dropped within the first three months. Tragic.World solutions, great inventions, cures for deadly diseases and groundbreaking research poured down the drain of disappointment. the lack of courage that fills the small jar of my world is immensely overwhelming. Gym memberships are left to rot and die as the guilty culprits run back to their life of filth to devour in their lost promises like gluttons. It’s sad really, disgusting actually as not only do they drown in their failure but they insist on dragging every other human willing to make it through their promise.

Happiness. An extremely difficult but attainable goal, at least that’s what I thought. It’s only day two of a new year and I have already attained an F in “How to be Happy “. Honestly, I’m beginning to think that maybe the rest of the world is right to give up on their resolutions. I mean seriously, what chance did I have? What chance did a depressed, suicidal, gender questioning young adult from a repressive homophobic culture have in this world?Scratch that. I’m straight. Or at least I think I am but wait, it doesn’t really matter because either way I’m condemned by the very society that raised me for being humane and accepting to choose love over tradition. Back to my point, what does a promiscuous young adult like me have a chance to be happy in a society that tells her to wait?To wait for the love. To wait for the boy who took my virginity and many others two streets down the road at the back of his parents Chevy. Now, this all seems a little unfair don’t you think. Misogyny in its purest form. So forget about me the promiscuous, depressed, suicidal, queer(Scratch that, my mom might be reading ) young adult. The odds are against my favor. I cant do it. I think I’ll rather sink back to the warm familiarity of my prison cell and wait to let my dreams rot and die.

You really think you can be happy? I’m asking you. When you find out how to be happy by all means let me know. Until then, I’ll be waiting.

 

 

Hello Darkness my old friend

 

So there I was lying on his bed. Dead. My lifeless body crunched up and slumped on his coffee-colored sheets.My insides turning and twisting in agony, screaming “Father Forgive Me “. The aching memories haunting me from every angle. House. Car. Bed. I had to feel something right? I had to feel the energy flow through me like electricity. Why were there no electric sparks as his hand slid up my leg? Nothing. Nothing but the sheer shrill sounds of silence. His hand reached for my jeans button as he ‘passionately’ kissed the corners of my mouth. Still, nothing. Like any teenager, he ravaged my body as he scoured and devoured every delicate spot. Still nothing. With each thrust, I felt the bullet hit me right in the chest.Boom.The first thrust took me by surprise and sent my soul flying down to the bedroom floor. Boom.The second hit me where it hurts most: my heart. It sent me into a dark whirlpool of thoughts then it brought me to the sinking realization that he who lay above me was nothing but a thief. He was the thief who came to steal the one thing that mattered so much to me and my society: my womanhood. I had lost and he had won For Society would never understand and She would always blame me. Me. Me for not seeing through the dark veiled curtains of his character. Me for putting myself in an unfortunate compromising position. Me for seducing him by exercising my right to freedom of dress. Me for just being me and for simply just because I’m a woman.Boom. The third thrust killed me. It tore through the walls of my being and shattered through the valves of my heart. I shall no longer love nor let myself be loved for if he who was meant to protect me, harmed me then where was I safe? And so it was set. I was to never allow myself the right to say NO lest he forces himself on me again. I shall no longer allow myself to dress well lest I make him tempted again. I shall never befriend another man lest he wrongly assumes that my body belongs to him. The thrusts continued for what seemed like an endless continuum until he jerked and rolled over to the side of the bed. His nonchalant smile mocked and stained the value of my womanhood. His sheer arrogance stole my voice and left me frozen on the bed. The silent screams of my pain beat me up for not being able to say a thing. 

And so there I was lying on his bed wondering why it had to be me, Wondering what I did to deserve such treatment and wondering why I had to live.

 

 

 

What

What is life ?
When all hopes turn into disappointment
when love turns into hate
when the sweet feeling of affection rots in your gut
when those you love become the fuel of self hatred
when good does not conquer all

What then becomes of humanity if we cannot live as one
when our differences are like thorns in our side
when all we can share is pain and hurt
when the expectations of your peers triumph your goals

when the world defines your whole existence

what then is life worth ?

when your good as dead to those you love

Suicidal thoughts- A love story

The love story of a wounded soul

        

disappointment

despair

depression

and slowly death was approaching

the light in her eyes dimmed

darkness danced around the edges of her soul

lost and rejected

with nothing to live for

no one to love

no one to love and hold her

no one to call friend

then

Sadness  came and comforted her

soon came

Fear

Anger

Worthlessness

Suicidal thoughts

Suicidal Thoughts was her favorite .

He was charming , charismatic , had a way with words  and gave her something no one else gave her: Hope. He  promised her Happiness , Joy , Love and above all Acceptance .He took her to their special place –  tall bridge around the corner and for hours on end they would talk about anything and everything. Sometimes, they would lean over the edge hand in hand ready to take their leap of faith into Utopia. On other days they sat at the edge of the railing and looked at the racing traffic  below their dangling feet . On special days , they stood on the railing prepared to jump. At this point , Fear would interrupt with his senseless endless  theories of how Pain and Death treated people. Fear was one party popper always  out to destroy the firm bond between Suicidal thoughts and her. Like any relationship, time passes and people change and so Suicidal Thoughts started to hang around Attempted Suicide and Self-Harm and so their ensemble grew. Their special place became less of an occasional trip and more of a daily routine.

Fear was faithful

He interrupted

He made endless theories

He kept them from taking the step the greatly needed

I was that girl

Broken

Bruised

Battered

Nothing to live for

no one to live with

no one to call my own

Counselling came up and Problems arose

The cracks deepened and the love broke

They broke up with me

I was devastated

but

I’m getting there

I’m seeing someone new now

He is more loving and accepting

and his friends Recovery and Self Worth are good influences

I still think of that special place-that tall bridge around the corner

but don’t worry I’m in good hands now

• Depressing Drawings • girl drawing • sad girl drawing

 

 

The End Of The Road

The final chapter in the journey of life

Image result for the end of the roadEverybody loves a good story or rather everybody  wants their life to be an epic story . Growing up as a child I always had a flare for the dramatics. I imagined my life as this epic biopic : a story of the under privileged child who fought through life’s struggles and made it all the way to the top. Now  that doesn’t sound all that original now does it ? and that’s because it isn’t . Its what the majority of us want from life , its what we teach our children to strive for :Bigger , Bolder and Better . Somehow , Somewhere along the lines of creation , someone thought that this plan was a brilliant idea . They thought this false idea of redemption will earn us all the joy and happiness in the world . The clever chap was true is one aspect , this so called redemption does lead to some illusion of happiness . See, the problem is that this gospel of fight through life and make it to the top misses the most important points. Its the three simple questions :Who will stay by my side in this fight ? When will I know that I have reached the end? And what will I do when I get there ?Many get to the destination and don’t know it so they keep fighting and fighting till their end  , others lose the core to their happiness (the people they love) in search for a infinite  source of bliss and the saddest of them all are the ones who are clueless about what to do when they get there because suddenly they have everything that they thought they wanted but it doesn’t wash them over with that feeling of conquest and euphoria instead it gives them a false sense of happiness then poof its all gone and the misery starts to kick in . They are miserable and sadly  they will remain miserable till their tragic  fateful demise. So , like I said our clever little chap was partially right , at one stage each of these men had happiness (even in its twisted form ) but it didn’t last forever and it certainly didn’t bring any peace or meaning to their lives .

Now, I wont forget that I was telling you a story . I did say that I was quite the dramatic child so I imagined that my story went a little further than normalcy . I imagined  the life of a hero where everything that lived and breathed , and kicked and turned revolved around me and only me .Let me start by saying I’m far from being a proud and narcissistic person but like I said I had a flare for the dramatics . I created a world in my head where everything  good that  happened had to be done by me or through me . Subconsciously, I was creating the image of me , the me that I wanted to be. Me the hero. That’s how I wanted my story to end . Super-girl.Every child eventually  grows up and so do their childish beliefs and so my Super-girl dream came to an end( I would have rather preferred super speed as a power than super strength). But , now lies a bigger question : How will this story that I live end ? How will your story end ? I’m as curious as they come and usually before I watch a movie I read all about the movie so I know how it ends or if I’m reading my favorite book , I skip to the last chapter . Do you want to know why ? Because the last chapter reveals who the characters really are . Usually in the movie is when the bad guy revels himself and tries to kill everyone or the part when the guy finally tells the girl he loves her . That’s how the story end , they die or ride off into the sunset so how is your story going to end ?How will you be remembered ? Often when I think of the end of my road its a sad one . Most likely alone , sad , miserable and with many unsaid “I love you “ s sand “I’m sorry” s . I imagine pain and regret on all the things I could have said and done . I am not one to dwindle on mistakes made but one and that is the mistake of not living. I regret not simply living . The end is near but there is still time to change this.

I know your out there reading , and if you’ve made it this far then this story is for you . Stop striving to reach pointless goals and start to live . Choose to love , choose to live and choose to be happy . If you want to attain redemption , the real true redemption then by all means go for it . If making it to the top is what you seek then do it responsibly . Just remember that the end is in sight and you will be remembered not by the beginning but the end .

Live the life that you wont regret and the life you want to be remembered for.

Image result for the end of the road

  • This song can be taken both religiously and literally . You can take it however you see fit . For those wo are religious , know that he loves you and that he forgives and you can start afresh . For those who aren’t religious know that you can lay down your old chains and start again . Your one step from starting again and being happy.
  • Song : http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/castingcrowns/onestepaway.html

 

Chidochemoyo wangu(My hearts desire)

A love that is stubborn and endures all

Henry Olonga -Our Zimbabwe

This land our land, is our Zimbabwe
A land of peace for you and me
Once born in pain and segregation
But now we live in harmony

Now flies the flag our nations glory
We’ll live with pride, inside our hearts
As we all stand to build our nation
This our land, our Zimbabwe

Though I may go to distant borders
My soul will yearn for this my home
For time and space may separate us
And yet she holds my heart alone

Now flies the flag my nations glory
I live with pride, inside my heart
I’ll make a stand to build this nation
This my land, my Zimbabwe

Now flies the flag our nations glory
We’ll live with pride, inside our hearts
As we all stand to build our nation
This our land, our Zimbabwe

We’ve been through it all
We’ve had our days
We’ve had our falls
Now the time has come for us to stand
To stand as one

The night has gone and with the morning
Come rays of hope that lead us on
So we will strive to give our children
A brighter day where they belong

Now flies the flag our nations glory
We’ll live with pride, inside our hearts
As we all stand to build our nation
This our land, our Zimbabwe

Now flies the flag our nations glory
We’ll live with pride, inside our hearts
As we all stand to build our nation
This our land, our Zimbabwe

Credits:
JustSomeLyrics
Image result for Victoria Falls Zimbabwe

To the love of my life: Dzimba dzemabwe -Zimbabwe -Rhodesia

I don’t know where to begin or how to make you see the picture that’s it my head . I fear you might not understand my reasoning or that you might not appreciate the picture I painted .  I have so much to tell you but my pride and fear keeps me from saying what I want to express.  Pride  have has me buckled up at the knees , I fear that if I tell you how I feel then I will become vulnerable and open . That the moment I open up to you , you might run a blade through my naked heart . Everybody sees me as this strong independent women who has everything under control such that they forget that I’m just like them ; I hurt , I cry , I feel , I love and I want to be loved too. The sad thing dearest about this pride is that it subconsciously makes me lie to those around me and it makes me also lie to myself and so I think I’m invincible and that I don’t need anyone. This hurts those who have made an effort to be around me and hurts me because I then think no one wants me but do you want to know what I learnt the other day. I was talking to someone id known for a long time and as a joke I asked them if they knew my name and do you want to know what they said to me ?  They said ” Um….I don’t actually know “. I was surprised and slightly offended considering we had been talking for a while and I had made an effort to learn their name . I then asked them what would have happened if I had done something bad to them and they needed to report me to the authorities , what name would they use ?They thought for a second then they said the most shocking thing ! “Well, I would have said it was that person who is from Africa !” . That took me aback ,I mean its okay not to know someone’s name but calling me that person from Africa . I mean you could have at least gotten the specifics right . They mention mother Africa as if she is a country and we are The United States Of Africa . Funny right ! But that not the point my love . The point is that I will always be known as your girl . No matter where I go , people will always know me because of you or Mother Africa . That will always be my identity , it will always be me. So that helped me see that no matter how much I hate it or love it , its always going to be me and you forever .

Later that day , I sat on my bed and I thought of the moments that we shared together , The precious memories that we created together . My love , do you still remember how we danced to Sungura under the muzhanje (wild loquat tree). Do you remember what the song was called ? Or do you remember when you sang Chamembe’s song -Jesa . I was so in love with you and you were my world . Our love was like no other , it was filled with tears of joy, moments of sorrow and lots of laughter . You know when you overdosed and  fell sick in 2009, I was devastated  and honestly I didn’t think that we could survive . I was emotionally unstable and I fed off you and it turn we became infected with the disease of dependency , corruption , poverty , crime and economic deficiency together . It hurt , I wont lie but somehow as we lay on that hospitable bed, you always found a way to make it better for you and me . You made me laugh and you made our situation a little better for us. We went back to our days of bliss , the days of emptiness in out relationship faded and you were mine again . But I don’t know why you are stubborn sometimes , you refuse to change for the better . You started to beat me up and abuse me in such ways that I forgot of our days of our romance . I started to invest in other friendships .I started hanging out with other guys that were “cooler” and you just watched and you didn’t fight . You didn’t fight for you , You didn’t fight for me and you didn’t even care to fight for us . You just watched me slip away with Westernization and forget who I was . Do you know what I wanted you to do at that time my love ? I wanted you to remind me of the roads that  we walked together , the falls that we swam in , the mountains that we climbed , the food that we ate . I wanted you to tell me a ngano (folklore story) about your ancestors . But you didn’t . You just sat there letting me poison myself with Western Culture. You knew that it killed my other brothers and sisters yet  you still watched me sip it. You were dying and you are dying my love but you let me go . I was your medicine , your healer , your strength . Didn’t you see that ?With me and my brothers you are powerful and you can get all the treatment you need . With us around you can finally afford rehab and excellent treatment . These other girls don’t care about you my love , they want the little that you still have . They want those gems that you put on my neck , they want  to live in those valleys that you promised me . Don’t be stubborn , tell me that you want me and I will run back in your arms .

I guess its unfair for me to blame you for everything . I too had a big role to play in our demise . I failed to work through our problems with you . I wanted someone else to fix out  our issues . I wanted results but I wasn’t ready to work for them so I always took the easy way out . I treated you like you were worthless scum , nothing and yet I drank the water and food that you made for me . I became the women that I am today because you taught me the way of life . People are not perfect darling . You are not perfect and I should have seen that . I should have loved you for your faults . I should have stood by you when you re-lapsed and helped you get up . You often told me of how the other girls you were with left you and never came back . How they used you to get what they needed and then discarded you . I promised I would be different , I promised I would walk with you to the path of recovery . I broke that promise and I’m sorry . If you can ever find it in  your heart to forgive me . Because today I have made a promise “Ndinoda kushamula newe , Ndinoda kuvhaya newe , Ndinoda  kufamba newe”-Xtra Large (I want to go with you )

You my love are everything to me , you make me who I am and I just want you to come back to me . I love you Zimbabwe.

“Fendela fenduze , my love”

Image result for zimbabwe harare

Image result for zimbabwe harare

“If only you knew what it meant to me to be with you I’m just hoping that you change your mind and love me too

I don’t understand why your saying goodbye and you know that I try to make it alright

…I loved you everyday “-Audius Mtawarira (If only you knew )

Image result for chimanimani

Image result for karoi zimbabwe          Image result for karoi zimbabwe

FROM THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE

The Girl From Zimbabwe

Pictures from Bing Images

Songs mentioned :

If only you knew -Audius Mtawarira : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BLqGNqMoCs

Fendela Fenduze-Peterson and Shyman :http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lxzk-nc5Yc4

Henry Olonga -Our land:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXY6nsDP4i0

Chamhembe-Jesa:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rd6kN8k-xeI