I almost died today

I almost died today. I won’t lie and say I wasn’t a little disappointed. I felt the cold gusty wind rush past my face as the train whizzed past me at over 120 km per hour and ground to a halt a few miles ahead of me. A missed opportunity. A failed attempt. Another day in this miserable life. Once again, I had to live with the backstabbing coward that I was. I didn’t deserve to live. Why did she have to die?Why did her bones and flesh turn into Sundays leftover lasagna as the twenty-five tonnes of steel crushed her?  I heard it. I heard the crunching crackle as one by one, her bones broke and shattered. Or maybe I didn’t hear anything at all. I cant be too sure anymore. She didn’t cry you know?She couldn’t have!Everything happened so fast.

Should I continue to write this? Tell me your opinions, please


New Years Resolutions

There is a common belief that 95% of New Years Resolutions are dropped within the first three months. Tragic.World solutions, great inventions, cures for deadly diseases and groundbreaking research poured down the drain of disappointment. the lack of courage that fills the small jar of my world is immensely overwhelming. Gym memberships are left to rot and die as the guilty culprits run back to their life of filth to devour in their lost promises like gluttons. It’s sad really, disgusting actually as not only do they drown in their failure but they insist on dragging every other human willing to make it through their promise.

Happiness. An extremely difficult but attainable goal, at least that’s what I thought. It’s only day two of a new year and I have already attained an F in “How to be Happy “. Honestly, I’m beginning to think that maybe the rest of the world is right to give up on their resolutions. I mean seriously, what chance did I have? What chance did a depressed, suicidal, gender questioning young adult from a repressive homophobic culture have in this world?Scratch that. I’m straight. Or at least I think I am but wait, it doesn’t really matter because either way I’m condemned by the very society that raised me for being humane and accepting to choose love over tradition. Back to my point, what does a promiscuous young adult like me have a chance to be happy in a society that tells her to wait?To wait for the love. To wait for the boy who took my virginity and many others two streets down the road at the back of his parents Chevy. Now, this all seems a little unfair don’t you think. Misogyny in its purest form. So forget about me the promiscuous, depressed, suicidal, queer(Scratch that, my mom might be reading ) young adult. The odds are against my favor. I cant do it. I think I’ll rather sink back to the warm familiarity of my prison cell and wait to let my dreams rot and die.

You really think you can be happy? I’m asking you. When you find out how to be happy by all means let me know. Until then, I’ll be waiting.



Hello Darkness my old friend


So there I was lying on his bed. Dead. My lifeless body crunched up and slumped on his coffee-colored sheets.My insides turning and twisting in agony, screaming “Father Forgive Me “. The aching memories haunting me from every angle. House. Car. Bed. I had to feel something right? I had to feel the energy flow through me like electricity. Why were there no electric sparks as his hand slid up my leg? Nothing. Nothing but the sheer shrill sounds of silence. His hand reached for my jeans button as he ‘passionately’ kissed the corners of my mouth. Still, nothing. Like any teenager, he ravaged my body as he scoured and devoured every delicate spot. Still nothing. With each thrust, I felt the bullet hit me right in the chest.Boom.The first thrust took me by surprise and sent my soul flying down to the bedroom floor. Boom.The second hit me where it hurts most: my heart. It sent me into a dark whirlpool of thoughts then it brought me to the sinking realization that he who lay above me was nothing but a thief. He was the thief who came to steal the one thing that mattered so much to me and my society: my womanhood. I had lost and he had won For Society would never understand and She would always blame me. Me. Me for not seeing through the dark veiled curtains of his character. Me for putting myself in an unfortunate compromising position. Me for seducing him by exercising my right to freedom of dress. Me for just being me and for simply just because I’m a woman.Boom. The third thrust killed me. It tore through the walls of my being and shattered through the valves of my heart. I shall no longer love nor let myself be loved for if he who was meant to protect me, harmed me then where was I safe? And so it was set. I was to never allow myself the right to say NO lest he forces himself on me again. I shall no longer allow myself to dress well lest I make him tempted again. I shall never befriend another man lest he wrongly assumes that my body belongs to him. The thrusts continued for what seemed like an endless continuum until he jerked and rolled over to the side of the bed. His nonchalant smile mocked and stained the value of my womanhood. His sheer arrogance stole my voice and left me frozen on the bed. The silent screams of my pain beat me up for not being able to say a thing. 

And so there I was lying on his bed wondering why it had to be me, Wondering what I did to deserve such treatment and wondering why I had to live.






What is life ?
When all hopes turn into disappointment
when love turns into hate
when the sweet feeling of affection rots in your gut
when those you love become the fuel of self hatred
when good does not conquer all

What then becomes of humanity if we cannot live as one
when our differences are like thorns in our side
when all we can share is pain and hurt
when the expectations of your peers triumph your goals

when the world defines your whole existence

what then is life worth ?

when your good as dead to those you love


Suicidal thoughts- A love story

The love story of a wounded soul






and slowly death was approaching

the light in her eyes dimmed

darkness danced around the edges of her soul

lost and rejected

with nothing to live for

no one to love

no one to love and hold her

no one to call friend


Sadness  came and comforted her

soon came




Suicidal thoughts

Suicidal Thoughts was her favorite .

He was charming , charismatic , had a way with words  and gave her something no one else gave her: Hope. He  promised her Happiness , Joy , Love and above all Acceptance .He took her to their special place –  tall bridge around the corner and for hours on end they would talk about anything and everything. Sometimes, they would lean over the edge hand in hand ready to take their leap of faith into Utopia. On other days they sat at the edge of the railing and looked at the racing traffic  below their dangling feet . On special days , they stood on the railing prepared to jump. At this point , Fear would interrupt with his senseless endless  theories of how Pain and Death treated people. Fear was one party popper always  out to destroy the firm bond between Suicidal thoughts and her. Like any relationship, time passes and people change and so Suicidal Thoughts started to hang around Attempted Suicide and Self-Harm and so their ensemble grew. Their special place became less of an occasional trip and more of a daily routine.

Fear was faithful

He interrupted

He made endless theories

He kept them from taking the step the greatly needed

I was that girl




Nothing to live for

no one to live with

no one to call my own

Counselling came up and Problems arose

The cracks deepened and the love broke

They broke up with me

I was devastated


I’m getting there

I’m seeing someone new now

He is more loving and accepting

and his friends Recovery and Self Worth are good influences

I still think of that special place-that tall bridge around the corner

but don’t worry I’m in good hands now

• Depressing Drawings • girl drawing • sad girl drawing




The End Of The Road

The final chapter in the journey of life


Image result for the end of the roadEverybody loves a good story or rather everybody  wants their life to be an epic story . Growing up as a child I always had a flare for the dramatics. I imagined my life as this epic biopic : a story of the under privileged child who fought through life’s struggles and made it all the way to the top. Now  that doesn’t sound all that original now does it ? and that’s because it isn’t . Its what the majority of us want from life , its what we teach our children to strive for :Bigger , Bolder and Better . Somehow , Somewhere along the lines of creation , someone thought that this plan was a brilliant idea . They thought this false idea of redemption will earn us all the joy and happiness in the world . The clever chap was true is one aspect , this so called redemption does lead to some illusion of happiness . See, the problem is that this gospel of fight through life and make it to the top misses the most important points. Its the three simple questions :Who will stay by my side in this fight ? When will I know that I have reached the end? And what will I do when I get there ?Many get to the destination and don’t know it so they keep fighting and fighting till their end  , others lose the core to their happiness (the people they love) in search for a infinite  source of bliss and the saddest of them all are the ones who are clueless about what to do when they get there because suddenly they have everything that they thought they wanted but it doesn’t wash them over with that feeling of conquest and euphoria instead it gives them a false sense of happiness then poof its all gone and the misery starts to kick in . They are miserable and sadly  they will remain miserable till their tragic  fateful demise. So , like I said our clever little chap was partially right , at one stage each of these men had happiness (even in its twisted form ) but it didn’t last forever and it certainly didn’t bring any peace or meaning to their lives .

Now, I wont forget that I was telling you a story . I did say that I was quite the dramatic child so I imagined that my story went a little further than normalcy . I imagined  the life of a hero where everything that lived and breathed , and kicked and turned revolved around me and only me .Let me start by saying I’m far from being a proud and narcissistic person but like I said I had a flare for the dramatics . I created a world in my head where everything  good that  happened had to be done by me or through me . Subconsciously, I was creating the image of me , the me that I wanted to be. Me the hero. That’s how I wanted my story to end . Super-girl.Every child eventually  grows up and so do their childish beliefs and so my Super-girl dream came to an end( I would have rather preferred super speed as a power than super strength). But , now lies a bigger question : How will this story that I live end ? How will your story end ? I’m as curious as they come and usually before I watch a movie I read all about the movie so I know how it ends or if I’m reading my favorite book , I skip to the last chapter . Do you want to know why ? Because the last chapter reveals who the characters really are . Usually in the movie is when the bad guy revels himself and tries to kill everyone or the part when the guy finally tells the girl he loves her . That’s how the story end , they die or ride off into the sunset so how is your story going to end ?How will you be remembered ? Often when I think of the end of my road its a sad one . Most likely alone , sad , miserable and with many unsaid “I love you “ s sand “I’m sorry” s . I imagine pain and regret on all the things I could have said and done . I am not one to dwindle on mistakes made but one and that is the mistake of not living. I regret not simply living . The end is near but there is still time to change this.

I know your out there reading , and if you’ve made it this far then this story is for you . Stop striving to reach pointless goals and start to live . Choose to love , choose to live and choose to be happy . If you want to attain redemption , the real true redemption then by all means go for it . If making it to the top is what you seek then do it responsibly . Just remember that the end is in sight and you will be remembered not by the beginning but the end .

Live the life that you wont regret and the life you want to be remembered for.

Image result for the end of the road

  • This song can be taken both religiously and literally . You can take it however you see fit . For those wo are religious , know that he loves you and that he forgives and you can start afresh . For those who aren’t religious know that you can lay down your old chains and start again . Your one step from starting again and being happy.
  • Song :



Chidochemoyo wangu(My hearts desire)

A love that is stubborn and endures all


Henry Olonga -Our Zimbabwe

This land our land, is our Zimbabwe
A land of peace for you and me
Once born in pain and segregation
But now we live in harmony

Now flies the flag our nations glory
We’ll live with pride, inside our hearts
As we all stand to build our nation
This our land, our Zimbabwe

Though I may go to distant borders
My soul will yearn for this my home
For time and space may separate us
And yet she holds my heart alone

Now flies the flag my nations glory
I live with pride, inside my heart
I’ll make a stand to build this nation
This my land, my Zimbabwe

Now flies the flag our nations glory
We’ll live with pride, inside our hearts
As we all stand to build our nation
This our land, our Zimbabwe

We’ve been through it all
We’ve had our days
We’ve had our falls
Now the time has come for us to stand
To stand as one

The night has gone and with the morning
Come rays of hope that lead us on
So we will strive to give our children
A brighter day where they belong

Now flies the flag our nations glory
We’ll live with pride, inside our hearts
As we all stand to build our nation
This our land, our Zimbabwe

Now flies the flag our nations glory
We’ll live with pride, inside our hearts
As we all stand to build our nation
This our land, our Zimbabwe

Image result for Victoria Falls Zimbabwe

To the love of my life: Dzimba dzemabwe -Zimbabwe -Rhodesia

I don’t know where to begin or how to make you see the picture that’s it my head . I fear you might not understand my reasoning or that you might not appreciate the picture I painted .  I have so much to tell you but my pride and fear keeps me from saying what I want to express.  Pride  have has me buckled up at the knees , I fear that if I tell you how I feel then I will become vulnerable and open . That the moment I open up to you , you might run a blade through my naked heart . Everybody sees me as this strong independent women who has everything under control such that they forget that I’m just like them ; I hurt , I cry , I feel , I love and I want to be loved too. The sad thing dearest about this pride is that it subconsciously makes me lie to those around me and it makes me also lie to myself and so I think I’m invincible and that I don’t need anyone. This hurts those who have made an effort to be around me and hurts me because I then think no one wants me but do you want to know what I learnt the other day. I was talking to someone id known for a long time and as a joke I asked them if they knew my name and do you want to know what they said to me ?  They said ” Um….I don’t actually know “. I was surprised and slightly offended considering we had been talking for a while and I had made an effort to learn their name . I then asked them what would have happened if I had done something bad to them and they needed to report me to the authorities , what name would they use ?They thought for a second then they said the most shocking thing ! “Well, I would have said it was that person who is from Africa !” . That took me aback ,I mean its okay not to know someone’s name but calling me that person from Africa . I mean you could have at least gotten the specifics right . They mention mother Africa as if she is a country and we are The United States Of Africa . Funny right ! But that not the point my love . The point is that I will always be known as your girl . No matter where I go , people will always know me because of you or Mother Africa . That will always be my identity , it will always be me. So that helped me see that no matter how much I hate it or love it , its always going to be me and you forever .

Later that day , I sat on my bed and I thought of the moments that we shared together , The precious memories that we created together . My love , do you still remember how we danced to Sungura under the muzhanje (wild loquat tree). Do you remember what the song was called ? Or do you remember when you sang Chamembe’s song -Jesa . I was so in love with you and you were my world . Our love was like no other , it was filled with tears of joy, moments of sorrow and lots of laughter . You know when you overdosed and  fell sick in 2009, I was devastated  and honestly I didn’t think that we could survive . I was emotionally unstable and I fed off you and it turn we became infected with the disease of dependency , corruption , poverty , crime and economic deficiency together . It hurt , I wont lie but somehow as we lay on that hospitable bed, you always found a way to make it better for you and me . You made me laugh and you made our situation a little better for us. We went back to our days of bliss , the days of emptiness in out relationship faded and you were mine again . But I don’t know why you are stubborn sometimes , you refuse to change for the better . You started to beat me up and abuse me in such ways that I forgot of our days of our romance . I started to invest in other friendships .I started hanging out with other guys that were “cooler” and you just watched and you didn’t fight . You didn’t fight for you , You didn’t fight for me and you didn’t even care to fight for us . You just watched me slip away with Westernization and forget who I was . Do you know what I wanted you to do at that time my love ? I wanted you to remind me of the roads that  we walked together , the falls that we swam in , the mountains that we climbed , the food that we ate . I wanted you to tell me a ngano (folklore story) about your ancestors . But you didn’t . You just sat there letting me poison myself with Western Culture. You knew that it killed my other brothers and sisters yet  you still watched me sip it. You were dying and you are dying my love but you let me go . I was your medicine , your healer , your strength . Didn’t you see that ?With me and my brothers you are powerful and you can get all the treatment you need . With us around you can finally afford rehab and excellent treatment . These other girls don’t care about you my love , they want the little that you still have . They want those gems that you put on my neck , they want  to live in those valleys that you promised me . Don’t be stubborn , tell me that you want me and I will run back in your arms .

I guess its unfair for me to blame you for everything . I too had a big role to play in our demise . I failed to work through our problems with you . I wanted someone else to fix out  our issues . I wanted results but I wasn’t ready to work for them so I always took the easy way out . I treated you like you were worthless scum , nothing and yet I drank the water and food that you made for me . I became the women that I am today because you taught me the way of life . People are not perfect darling . You are not perfect and I should have seen that . I should have loved you for your faults . I should have stood by you when you re-lapsed and helped you get up . You often told me of how the other girls you were with left you and never came back . How they used you to get what they needed and then discarded you . I promised I would be different , I promised I would walk with you to the path of recovery . I broke that promise and I’m sorry . If you can ever find it in  your heart to forgive me . Because today I have made a promise “Ndinoda kushamula newe , Ndinoda kuvhaya newe , Ndinoda  kufamba newe”-Xtra Large (I want to go with you )

You my love are everything to me , you make me who I am and I just want you to come back to me . I love you Zimbabwe.

“Fendela fenduze , my love”

Image result for zimbabwe harare

Image result for zimbabwe harare

“If only you knew what it meant to me to be with you I’m just hoping that you change your mind and love me too

I don’t understand why your saying goodbye and you know that I try to make it alright

…I loved you everyday “-Audius Mtawarira (If only you knew )

Image result for chimanimani

Image result for karoi zimbabwe          Image result for karoi zimbabwe


The Girl From Zimbabwe

Pictures from Bing Images

Songs mentioned :

If only you knew -Audius Mtawarira :

Fendela Fenduze-Peterson and Shyman :

Henry Olonga -Our land:



The True Definition of Beauty

The definition of beauty through the eyes of a troubled teen

Source: The True Definition of Beauty


The True Definition of Beauty

The definition of beauty through the eyes of a troubled teen


“You look so pretty without your glasses ! “

“My gosh your so fat, you need to eat less “

“You have that miserable type of hair that never grows and  is sparse , you should just give up and focus on other things like intelligence because we definitely know that beauty isn’t your thing”

“Look at what she wearing ! Shame ! it must be all she can do with her sad wardrobe. Its a pity because she could have been prettier.”

Is this what beauty is all about ? Do I have to fit a certain parameter in order for me to be pretty ? Is there a model design that states the requirements needed for me to be pretty ? How many of you have ever been told that you needed to change something about you so that you can meet the “acceptable ” standard of beauty? Apparently the size of my waist , the thickness of my hair and the size of my lips are the defining factor for whether I’m a hit or a miss . What has this world come to?

Growing up, I had a tough time because I couldn’t see well enough and at that time my parents didn’t take me seriously when I told them I had eye problems and that I probably needed glasses . So you can imagine how left out I felt every time my friends would point out at something exciting in the distance or every time we went to watch the movies . I just couldn’t see .Unfortunately ,the  fact of the matter is that the world we live in revolves around sight . Sight by definition being the ability to see . For me sight would be the ability to fit in and see the world through their eyes. During TV time on one of the weekends at school  was an interesting show on television and I was so excited  but because of my sight at that time I couldn’t see well if I was far away so I sat close to the TV to solve my problems . I remember feeling so happy and alive at that time . For once in a long time I could see what was going on be part of the buzz and excitement  . I could actually see what Miley Cyrus looked like and REALLY see her perform. I didn’t have to sit out anymore when the girls danced and  sang along to “The Best of Both Worlds”. I was happy until someone ruined that memory a couples years later. Speaking of the moments we had in our early days , a friend decided to make a joke of my disability . “Who used to have her forehead glued to the TV like this ?” she said as she made an exaggerated impersonation of me . Something inside me died that day and I don’t know whether it was her comments that got to me more or the way everyone else was so quick to join her in laughter.

Its funny how you don’t realize the little things that hurt people . I never said anything to her or to them . I just sunk deeper and deeper  into my own world . A world so dark , empty and cold .The nature of my character was beginning to mold into the cold  person they soon got to know . The conscious choices we make sometimes dig holes that we later fall and stay trapped in .They made their choice that day . They made the choice to make fun of somebodies pain and I don’t know what they hoped to achieve at the end .I Learnt two things that day : You cannot let peoples remarks break you and that people never truly understand the depth of the consequences of what they say  . Well, I eventually got my glasses and I stopped sitting so close to the TV and then I thought my fight was over . I thought I was finally part of the conversation . I could see the world . I was alive . The moment of Euphoria was short lived . We had a party to attend and we all know what happens at parties :selfies . Lots and lots of selfies . My worst nightmare .

“Take off your glasses , you look much prettier without  them “they said .

In my head I was thinking , I can’t see without my glasses so how am I meant to see what I am doing ?

But that didn’t matter to them . They didn’t want to be seen by their elite friends  with the thin-haired , glass wearing human as if my body features were a  contagious deadly disease

That continued to go  on . The boyfriend , the mother , the friend , they all made the same comment :Your so pretty but only when you remove your glasses .Now here’s a fact -My prescription is negative in both eyes and I have a complication in my eyes no contacts either. For all the none wearing glasses people that means without my glasses I see close to nothing . So just imagine , that means I can even do my normal day to day chores . The list of flaws began to grow .

Your too fat

Your hair is too thin , too short , the color is not right

Your shoulders are too square

Your fingers are too fat

I couldn’t keep up . At this point I really asked myself what  I was doing . No matter how much concealer I wore I never felt pretty enough . I went to the gym , I got a new wardrobe , I got contacts but still I couldn’t feed societies’ appetite. It kept me awake at night , it kept me watching make up tutorials but all for what . Who had the power to define my worth and value ? Who could tell me that their version of beauty was correct ?

Beauty isn’t something that coms with a rule book . Its an art . An art where you  and me can paint what we want .You can choose your canvas ,your colors , the tones and textures that make the edges of your body . You can choose the rich shades that bring warmth  to your skin . Sure when were born we cant choose the tone of our  skin or the color of our  eyes but we can choose what we want to do with what we have . If I choose to embrace the thickness of my thighs I should be to without the world judging me because you know what ?

Beauty is YOU

Here is a song that speaks to me about my kind of beauty . Its called Scars to your beautiful by Alessia Cara :